This is about how I feel right now.

So I’m overcoming a major heartbreak, and I thought, what’s the most gracious, private, mature way to deal with this?

I know! Start a blog!

Actually, I’ve had this blog for a while, but I’ve decided to really go at it. I need an outlet–a public one–to pour my hurt and hope. I realized this today when I was talking to a very wise women about my situation. She did something I didn’t expect–she validated my broken heart. I need to be validated right now. And I know there’s a boat load of people out there who are ready and willing to just pour their sympathy, criticism, and advice at me. And even if no one reads this…I will have cathartically expressed myself. Bleeding out the wound, as it were.

Blogs are about community, with a selfish sort of undertone. Or maybe Blogs are about being selfish with the side effect being some sense of community. Either way, I hope it’s more community than self-obsession.

And nothing creates community like the common enemy (or old friend): heart break.

Look at this dog. The one in the photo above (my blog header thingy).

Look at the man. I wish I knew his name…eh, not his name. But I wish I knew what he was about, why he’s there, and what he’s looking at.

See the dog. See the man. What are they looking at? What do they see?

See the man. See the dog. See the mist that surrounds them both.

Tell me the metaphor this picture is hiding.

(I wrote this a three months ago and it helped me today.)

Last night someone said something extremely hurtful. This morning I was dwelling on it, and filling all sort of terrible, when I had a grand epiphany: I could do anything. I was suddenly and completely aware of my potential for choices. I could be angry. I could eat breakfast. I could lie there for another hour. I could do what I felt I needed to do, or not do it at all. If I had obligation to anyone, I could fulfill it, or not. My choice.

Marvelous!

I tested it for fun. Instead of rising and going to the kitchen, I went to a vacant room, just for fun. Like a two year old, I explored my world and its consequences. Why not put on my shoes before I change my clothes…to shake things up?

Earlier, I was feeling strung about again, like a marionette on strings. The big bad awesome world is trying to control me. But it’s not so! If I’m feeling strung up by some  duty or some hairy feeling I remind myself “I chose this”. That little reminder usually brightens me up.

Well…usually. Still stress and anxiety…all lies. Lies I tell you! I’m not in control of many things(so true, so true). But I’m in control of me! I like to prove it to myself in silly ways by breaking up the habits, breaking up the order, and doing something different just to remind myself.

I think today I’ll eat soup off a plate, with a fork, in the pantry. In the nude.

And when I face the inevitable consequences of that decision, I’ll cheerfully remind myself, “I chose this!”

Talking to yourself is a sign of genius.

Recently, I suffered a mini-heartbreak. I’m sure many of you know the symptoms:

-One tearful breakdown a day.

-Feelings of woe, consternation, bitterness, grief, etc.

-Intense pull towards self-destructive behaviors (i.e. chocolate binging, icecream binging, book binging, tv binging, sleep binging).

-Waking up everyday with a sudden THUD in the gut that reminds you, “oh, it hasn’t gone away yet.”

Of course this list is not exclusive. (Feel free to post your own recognizable favorites). So as the day to day heartbreak goes, we all find coping mechanisms. I’m constantly drawn towards self therapy, and in the middle of one of my crying fits tonight, I went back to one of my old favorites. I struck up a dialogue…outloud…with myself. Here it is.

Characters

Katherine: The Wise One

Kitty: The One Who Can’t Stop Blubbering

(Kitty is sitting on the toilet, sobbing.)

Katherine: I’m fine, I’m fine.

Kitty: But it hurts!

Katherine: I’m crying out of habit now…

Kitty: (stubbornly) It still hurts.

Katherine: Think. You’ve been through this before. And you survived!

Kitty: But it’s hard when nobody loves me!

Katherine: There are plenty of people who love you, and even if there weren’t, God loves you, remember? That means He is taking care of you. He knows that it will be okay.

Kitty: But you said that last time and…(breaks into tears again.)

Katherine: Sheesh.

Note: Seriously Jekyll and Hyde moment was happening in my bathroom.

Katherine: You know what I’m saying is true. Listen, you’re fine. Say it.

Kitty: I’m fine…but, but…

Katherine: I’m fine.

Kitty: I’m fine.

Katherine: I’m awesome.

Kitty: But…

Katherine: Shhhh.

Note: You bet I shhhed myself.

Kitty: I’m fine.

Katherine: We’re awesome.

Kitty: Yeah.

(Kitty sighs, stops crying, and feels a little bit better about herself.)

Try it at home. Your inner and wiser self is so ready to Shush the heartbroken, senseless you. The wiser self can’t wait to tell you that you’re fine, rockin’, and so much stronger than that triple layered death by chocolate icecream cake. It can’t wait to tell you that you are so much better than a broken-hearted blubbering mess. You’ve always got someone on you’re side. It’s you.